when you get married everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having children?”
it is a predictable question, like comments about the weather in an awkward silence.
when you find yourself with a child, everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having another?”
or at least that is what everyone asks me.
so here is the answer:
(wait, at least three of you now think i am going to tell you i am pregnant. i am not. promise.)
ok here is the answer: i don’t know.
that was just the first part of the answer. here is the second: i am ok with the fact that i don’t know.
there is like this unspoken thing with moms. it is that if i have more kids, i am more capable, more valuable, my life has more worth. maybe i am just reading into it, but that seems why people ask when we are having more. it feels like someone is asking you when you are getting a promotion. “when are you going to the next level?” it immediately makes me feel like where i am is unacceptable. that i should strive for more. it is sad that someone’s questions could make me feel so worthless.
before we had Shilah people would say things like, “oh, well you will understand when you have kids.” like having a child gives you some special powers. it does not. oh, wait – i don’t barf when i get diarrheaed-on anymore. is that the special understanding you were talking about? i am sure that it is not. sure, we have a child and there are some things i have come to understand that i did not before, but everyone comes to understand new things with each new day in life. having a child does not make me better or more valuable than someone without a child.
the fact is, i am content. i am content to sit where i am and wait until God lets us know what’s next. it is funny that we even ask people when they’re having more kids like life is created outside of the hand of God.
if we believe what is written for our us and for own children, “for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb….My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them,” (Ps 139:13, 15-16) then we must believe that we are where we are because we are supposed to be here. if God wrote each of the days that were formed for our children….well then we dont have more kids or other kids or any kids because we’re not to that date where they have been written. that’s it. so go do what you’re supposed to do today and not wish there was something else written for you (and don’t imply to someone else that they should be wishing for something different)!
and e, as you wait for the days written for your child to come, i will enjoy my time waiting with you. we have wonderful husbands and wonderful babies and wonderful each-others to wait with. i am excited to see the joy in each day with you until THE day