why i bake

there is laundry to do and a house to clean and news releases to be written and what am i doing?

i am searching furiously for a good how-to on sugar cookies and piping and flooding royal icing. i bake when there is a lot going on. a habit i picked up in college.

when there is a lot to do, i look for something to bake. cooking and baking have this complete start-stop. beginning, middle, end. at first they are ingredients, then there are lots of steps, and then there is a nice result at the end.

when a cookie is made or a cupcake is frosted, you can’t go back. you can’t undo and restart. you can’t analyze it further or re-write it better.

when i am baking i am alone. with written instructions that don’t talk back or make other suggestions or tell me i am wrong. there is no one to impress. this sounds heartless but some people are energized by being around a big group. i am energized by being alone.

when i am done, i don’t have to turn my baked goods in anywhere. anyone who gets them is pleasantly surprised, rather than expectant, as with the nature of work. and if i messed them up? fine. no one knew they were coming anyway.

i get a renewed sense of confidence. somehow, i think that if i could make these cookies well, i surely can plan an event or be a good friend/mom/wife. i can quickly and efficiently show myself i can actually do something. well.

that is why i bake.

here are some of my favorite baked things:

olivia’s oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

chocolate chip cheesecake brownies

classic crumb cake

peanut butter cookie pie

cream cheese pound cake with blackberry sauce

flourless chocolate cake with chocolate ganache

chocolate-dipped cupcakes

the answer to your question

when you get married everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having children?”

it is a predictable question, like comments about the weather in an awkward silence.

when you find yourself with a child, everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having another?”

or at least that is what everyone asks me.

so here is the answer:

(wait, at least three of you now think i am going to tell you i am pregnant. i am not. promise.)

ok here is the answer: i don’t know.

that was just the first part of the answer. here is the second: i am ok with the fact that i don’t know.

there is like this unspoken thing with moms. it is that if i have more kids, i am more capable, more valuable, my life has more worth. maybe i am just reading into it, but that seems why people ask when we are having more. it feels like someone is asking you when you are getting a promotion. “when are you going to the next level?” it immediately makes me feel like where i am is unacceptable. that i should strive for more. it is sad that someone’s questions could make me feel so worthless.

before we had Shilah people would say things like, “oh, well you will understand when you have kids.” like having a child gives you some special powers. it does not. oh, wait – i don’t barf when i get diarrheaed-on anymore. is that the special understanding you were talking about? i am sure that it is not. sure, we have a child and there are some things i have come to understand that i did not before, but everyone comes to understand new things with each new day in life. having a child does not make me better or more valuable than someone without a child.

the fact is, i am content. i am content to sit where i am and wait until God lets us know what’s next. it is funny that we even ask people when they’re having more kids like life is created outside of the hand of God.

if we believe what is written for our us and for own children, “for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb….My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them,” (Ps 139:13, 15-16) then we must believe that we are where we are because we are supposed to be here. if God wrote each of the days that were formed for our children….well then we dont have more kids or other kids or any kids because we’re not to that date where they have been written. that’s it. so go do what you’re supposed to do today and not wish there was something else written for you (and don’t imply to someone else that they should be wishing for something different)!

and e, as you wait for the days written for your child to come, i will enjoy my time waiting with you. we have wonderful husbands and wonderful babies and wonderful each-others to wait with. i am excited to see the joy in each day with you until THE day

 

sales pitched

I spent yesterday getting sales pitched. Seriously.

I wanted to cry like this:

The wall behind our washing machine is quite wet, and we can’t figure out where the leak is coming from. I call a plumber through our home warranty (I would give them a good recommendation if you want a home warranty). How long has it been leaking? I don’t know, when was the last time you looked at the wall behind your washing machine, the wall that you cannot see because your washer is in front of it. They say they will be out by 2, and call 30 minutes before they come.

Great.

11am and there’s a knock on the door. I think this is the plumbers (early! what service!), so I answer.

It is not the plumber. It is two guys selling magazines. Goody. I tell myself to get them to stop talking asap, decline and shut the door. I fall for answering, “have you ever been to Mexico?” idiot. Yes, I say. Of course they are trying to win a trip to Mexico. I mean, I want them to experience what I have, right? I am holding the bug and the first guy asks how old she is and says he has a one-year-old daughter. Her name is Diane. I do not fall for this. Diane surely is his mom’s name. I do not fall for their third trick to make friends with them, when they are telling me they sell matterbabies. Did you just fall for that? I hope not. They finally take a breath longer than .002 seconds. I say no thanks. Goodbye.

It is 2pm. No plumber, no call. So, I call. Oh they are running behind. Maybe hours behind. Because of the rain. I look outside and see a few sprinkles. Hardly rain.

4:30, a plumber! Two plumbers. One taking orders from the other. It is like Yogi and Booboo. They immediately want to cut a hole in the wall and they need my permission because “drywall is not covered” of course. Can you check all of the potential problems without cutting into the wall first? Oh, right, sure. Nothing. They cut into the wall. Blah blah blah. They replace some stuff. Blah blah. The bug wakes up and the older guy tells me how he has a daughter her age. He also has the same spice jars that are on my fridge and that toaster oven. I think not. He also asks if there is any other plumbing we need at an additional fee. What if something else is leaking and we don’t know it? No, thank you. I think we are done here.

6:00 I finally get to the grocery store. And I get a phone call. Oh it is Kathy. Kathy who? I probably remember her, she stopped by the house about 18 months ago in a door-to-door fashion to sell us siding and windows. Nope, don’t remember you. Did we ever get that done? Well, yes, I say, we got the windows done. Oh did you get them from the company that I was with? No. Good, because she doesn’t work there anymore. Because they were weird and some of her paychecks bounced. Her words, not mine. Too much information. And now she works for someone else and is there anything at all I can think of that I would like done to my house? So you left a company and took their client list? I want to say. But I do not. I say no thank you. Goodbye.