the everyday: part 3 {march 9, 2012}

This kid is loving life.

 

Waking up early.

Skipping naps and requesting elmo instead.

Broken of a pacifier.

Counting to 10.

Eating jalepeno chips.

Talking with her hands, not sign language-style, but i-am-a-girl style.

On a super strong antibiotic that is clearing an infection that has been lingering for probably six months.

Speaking in full sentences. Most often:

• “I want to go to grocery store?”
• “Mama kiss it? All better.”
• “Shilah big girl. Give paa-faa to Babu Beau.”
• “Where it go? I FOUND IT!”
• “Shilah read hungry cat-pillar, booooo-tiful buuhh-fly”

Yes, I know some of those weren’t full sentences.

On a related note, we have been careful not to get her stuck on saying “mine!” and consequently, she speaks in the third person often. Better? Worse? Oops.

I shall leave you with are a few great parenting reads for the weekend:

An article in the Huffington Post:

And, a delightful read on parenting:

engaging the heart {parenting: part 4}

Read the premise for and additional notes on this series.

Part 4: Engaging the Heart

This piece is short, but so, so practical.

We are wired not to see ourselves with accuracy. It’s why we get defensive when someone calls us out for something we did wrong, it’s why we want to blame our sin on and why things my boss says to me at my yearly review can surprise me.

We think we see well, and then we realize later that we didn’t see well. Later we look back  and realize where we were wrong. Sometimes years later. We make phone calls and say we’re sorry.

Kids are the same. A long, loud lecture doesn’t typically help your child see where his behaviours are wrong and his heart is in the wrong spot. We have to help to open the eyes of their heart by drawing them to personal insight. They need to see for themselves, not just hear us tell them.

We need to ask heart-oriented questions  any incident or misbehaviour to help kids see what was really going on instead of blaming someone else, or a situation, or just being defensive of their wrong actions. Here are five heart-oriented questions to bring them to this confession:

1. What was going on?
2. What were you thinking and feeling when this was happening?
3. What did you do in response?
4. Why did you do it? What were you seeking to accomplish?
5. What were the results?

Do you see what those questions are getting to?

We can finally get away from, “You can’t hit him just because he hit you first!” Instead, it’s, “You can’t hit him because you are upset.”

Your heart is at the center of your actions. Your behavior came out of your heart – you can’t just blame it on another person or situation. You are responsible for how you act! You are responsible for how you respond!

What that looks like for us:

• Shilah can say a lot of words but doesn’t string many together. She’s starting to talk about emotions. She’ll say “happy!” when we’re on the floor reading books. We’ll ask these questions in a simple form and help feed her some answers. “Shilah, you hit mama, you know that hitting is disobeying, right?” “When we had to leave your toys to go change your diaper, did that make you sad?” “Did that make you upset?” and talk her through – even though you are upset you have to obey, you can’t just hit mama because you are upset.

How it’s going:

• Apparently I am also a child, because I find myself asking these questions in my own head when I start to get defensive, when I tend toward gossip, when I begin to be judgmental. I think these questions are as fitting for us as they are for our kids.

 

 

targeting the heart {parenting: part 3}

Read the premise for and additional notes on this series.

Part 3: Targeting the Heart

We must be aiming to impact the hearts of our children and not just change their behaviour.

We live out of our hearts:

“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” –Luke 6: 43-45

God has already given us everything we need to guidance. He is in me, for me, and with me. 

Each person’s heart is their causal core. According to the Bible, the heart can: repent, believe, see, pray, sing, discern, grieve, think, list, give, harden, fear, hate, love, pray, turn away, rejoice, know, remember. The things you do and say are an overflow of the heart. You can’t do or say something and then say that you “didn’t mean it.” You did mean it. Your heart was angry. You wanted to hurt someone.

We have to focus on the heart of our kids, and not their outward resulting actions. Lasting change travels through the pathway of the heart, so that the resulting behavior is good, genuinely good. In our frustration as parents, we use:

• threats (“you don’t want to know what will happen if you keep xxx”),
• manipulation (“if you are good, you can have xxx”)
• guilt (“you shouldn’t be driving your parents crazy like this”).

These things may change behaviour, but they don’t change heart motivations. When that child is faced with a decision on their own, without a nagging parent hanging above them threatening, manipulating, and guilting them, they’ll make the bad decision because there’s no overflow of good direction in their heart. Instead, we have to see that we have no ability to change our kids on our own. Our teaching helps protect them, but does not restore them. Only Jesus can help you teach them, and only Jesus can restore their hearts.

Being an Example:

 Every time you talk to them about their behavior, tell them also how you struggle. Model an understanding of what’s beneath their disobedience. 

What that looks like for us:

• Understanding that Shilah’s behaviour comes from her heart has to be coupled with knowing that when discipline is hard or days are just challenging, God is not so unkind or unwise that he will call you to a task and not enable you to do it.
• As a parent, we shouldn’t get angry. If I was truly concerned about the condition if my kids’ hearts, I wouldn’t be angry – I would be loving and compassionate and perseverant. In an instance that I am angry or upset or frustrated, I am angry not because she defied God, but because she defied me. She broke my law or intruded on my comfort. As parents, we have to get over ourselves. Confess to God that you are incapable of leading your kids with your own strength. God is calling you to value something greater than your laws and your comfort. This means a lot of prayer, for my own attitude and my own heart.

How it’s going:

• There’s not a lot of immediate satisfaction in parenting. Sometimes, there is, but some days you’re disciplining a lot and they’re tiring and so whiny and it would be easier to let them watch three hours of TV and get some work done, because accomplishment in work often reaps praise quickly. It’s easier to just correct their crappy behaviour so that they’re not making you look bad in public or leaving you with a headache at the end of the day. It’s hard to parent, but I am trusting that it’s worth it.
• We have to relate to them. I struggle everyday, so I can’t be surprised when she does too. In defiance, I turn off my alarm and go back to sleep in the morning. In defiance, Shilah turns and runs the other way when I ask her to come here please. Same thing. So, when I am disciplining, I try and talk to her a bit. “I know it’s hard to obey mama sometimes, and it’s more fun to play with your toys right now, but we need to clean up so that our friends feel welcome when they come over! Can you trust mama and obey?”

Next week, I will walk through practical questions to use in talking with your child. It’s my favorite part of everything we’ve learned!

what’s the inclination of a child? {parenting: part 2}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read the premise for and additional notes on this series.

 

Part 2: What’s the inclination of a child?

Kids are interpreters and worshippers.

1. Interpreters:  Human beings made in the image of God don’t live life based on the facts of their experience, but based on their interpretation of the facts. We will dig to make sense of our existence. Kids will grow and learn and want to know more about life. They will look to what’s around them to understand purpose and why they’re here. They will ask layers and layers of “why” questions.
2. Worshippers:  The human identity is to worship. In every moment, we worship something. We worship other’s approval when we lie about something we did or exaggerate a story to make it sound better. We worship ourselves every time we put our own interests over others. Kids worship themselves and their own power when they hit another kid because they feel wronged.

What that looks like for us:

• Like being a theological community, we have to be in awe of God as parents. When Shilah stops on our way out to the car to smell the herbs growing in the pots outside the front door, I say, “Don’t those smell good? God made those to smell so pretty for you.” 
• We have to constantly place God in the center of her world so that she doesn’t place herself in the center. My heart has to plead for her, “no, that is not what you want. That will never work. There is a God who loves you.” To show her that she’s not the center of everything, she is not to worship herself, I have to show her that I am not the center of my world. I need to help other people and take my daughter along with me. I need to interact with the world in a way that shows her that this life isn’t all about us. That means getting out of the house and getting involved in the city. That means taking meals to people and having people over to our house. That means effort and time and care and not separating my daughter from all of those things. She needs to see them! For us that means I am at home. I work from home and I take her with me most everywhere I go. We serve in the marriage ministry at church and we constantly have groups of people over to our house – large groups where people hang out and get to know each other and smaller groups for counseling. These people see our daughter and she sees them. She helps me prepare. Right now, that means she stands on a chair so she’s watching at counter-height while I prep dinner, and I give her a rag and she wipes off the coffee table. These are little things but they are important and she is learning.

How it’s going: 

• This one feels silly at first but I try to do it at least a few times a day. She’s interested most anything I say, so I know I shouldn’t feel silly telling her about God!
• It’s hard to incorporate your kids, when I have her clean the coffee table, I have to usually clean it again. The process takes twice as long. It’s way easier to have her just watch sesame street while I get done what I need to. But it’s not the same. So, I am constantly reminding myself to have patience and to bring her into whatever I am doing.

Takeaways for this week: Show them that because of God, they have purpose, and integrate them into service for others, so they see that this life isn’t all about them.

what’s the significance of family? {parenting: part one}

hey look, a parenting series.

really, this is just a compilation of my notes and thoughts after lots of emails about disciplining a toddler and a parenting conference we attended by Paul Tripp about getting to the heart of parenting. i have no parenting expertise. to claim so would be quite foolish, however, it’s always helpful for me to hear from others what information they’re basing their actions on, what that looks like in their families, and how it’s going. so i thought i’d use the blog to share my thoughts and experiences. definitely share your experiences in the comments, or email me!

i’ll post a new topic every Monday for the next six weeks or so. no kids? not to worry, there will be all of the regular recipe and craft posts on other days.

The Significance of Family {parenting: part one}

The information:

Families are God’s primary learning community.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  Deuteronomy 6:5-7

It is not the job of our state or our schools or even our church to be the primary learning arena for our kids. It’s our job as parents to create that environment. The state protects the family, and the church and school equip and support the family. The job of the family is distinctly educational. It is the agent God uses to form the character of and context for the child. Family is intended to be a theological, sociological, and redemptive community.

1. Theological Community: Because theology is the study of God, theological community is a community of people that studies God. The family must point to the being, character, and plan of God. God is the fact that dictated the earth. God made everything in the world that you and I live in. Teach this in your home!
2. Sociological Community: The family is relational. God’s design is that we would live in community with willing, self-sacrificing love for one another. There is no better place to have this environment than in the family. In a family, children must live and share with people they didn’t choose. As a parent, you can’t ever look at your child after they lie to you and say they didn’t hit their brother and say, “I can’t believe you did that. I can’t believe you lied.” Because you can believe it. You do that same stuff every day. You lie, you manipulate someone to get what you want. You make a bad judgment call. You are that selfish. You ought to have compassion and tenderness when you watch your kids struggle to love!
3. Redemptive Community: The family should point to the redemption of Christ. Through their struggle to love, your children will see that they can’t do it on their own. That creates a holy frustration. A desire for help. A need for Jesus. If we don’t point toward Christ, we seclude them from having to learn and struggle with love, and we teach them they don’t need anything but themselves. We create self-righteous Pharisees who have no draw to the gospel because they don’t think they need it.

What that looks like for us:

• To be a theological community, we have to be in awe of God as parents. When Shilah stops on our way out to the car to smell the herbs growing in the pots outside the front door, I say, “Don’t those smell good? God made those to smell so pretty for you.” 
• To be a sociological community, we can’t over-manage Shilah’s life so that she can avoid hard situations. I can’t skip having Shilah interact with other kids for a few weeks because she’s in a really grouchy stage where she has to be reminded a lot to share. To teach self-sacrificing love, we must have self-sacrificing love. We have to stay up late and get up early and we have to have discipline the same things over and over again. We have to help her struggle to love, which means when she gets in trouble for something, she stays on our lap until she’s emotionally ok. She stays until she acknowledges  that we forgive her, and we love her, and that she can trust us and love us too, even though we have to discipline her.
• To be a redemptive community, we have to point to Christ. We have to talk about how it is hard to love, and we can’t love well on our own. Jesus loves us and he can help us love other people too. For Shilah, we talk about how it is hard to obey, “Shilah, I know you want to take your shoes off right now but mommy asked you not to. It’s hard to obey, but remember that Jesus loves you, and he can help you love and obey mommy.”

How it’s going:

• Theological community: This one feels silly at first but I try to do it at least a few times a day. She’s interested most anything I say, so I know I shouldn’t feel silly telling her about God!
• Sociological community:  This one is hardest for me. When something is hard for me, inter-relationally, I want to avoid it. But by avoiding situations where she could possibly be tired, upset, feisty, etc., I will be avoiding every situation and teaching her that it’s ok to not forgive people or run from someone who is difficult. This will also make her wonder if I will run from her when she is difficult. That makes me so sad to think about, because I never want to run from her! I have to get on the floor and play with her and help her learn what it means to love other kids and endure relationships!
• Redemptive community: Second hardest for me. Even though she doesn’t understand all of my words, I want to be talking to her about how, when we understand the love of God, it is an overflowing of our hearts to love other people. It’s to hard to love others when we’re not filled and abounding with the love of God, we need Jesus! Again, I feel silly talking to her in multiple full sentences, but that is only my pride.

Takeaways for this week: be in awe of God, help your child love, and point them to Jesus.

temporary things

dear shilah,

just last week, i put you down for a nap at your regular time, with all of the regular conditions in place. you screamed for 20 minutes.

i got you up and put you in the living room. you grabbed your blankie that had been forgotten on the coffee table and proceeded to head back to your crib, “ni-night” you said.

oh dear. perhaps you love that blankie too much.

well today we lost said blankie. at whole foods. downtown. the one that has probably tens of thousands of visitors daily.

and now you are in your crib, screaming. and pleading, “pease? pease? peeee-eeee-eeeease!!!” and the final cry when you really want something “dada? dada? daaaaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaa!” it’s not going that well. dada can’t fix it.

just so you know, and appreciate later in life, i called whole foods, during the rush of the lunch hour and said, “i know this is ridiculous, but…have you found a little 12×12-inch blanket?”

they said no. but they’ll call if they find it.

sorry, bug. today is not your day. today you learn a lesson that i still learn most days. “things” are temporal. they are washed away by floods and burned in house fires and forgotten at giant grocery stores. it is sad, but it is ok. it’s not those “things” that fulfill you and give you hope anyway.

-mama

mom groups

i get nervous at the thought of getting together with a bunch of women. or anything with other moms that involves the word “mom” along with “gathering” “playdate”, or “group.”

i haven’t been able to pinpoint why, but that stuff is draining to me. i dead it and then i want to come home afterward and take a nap. i am not much of a napper so i just end up being tired and grouchy the rest of the day.

mainly i don’t like plastering on a smile and saying nice things about child development and how much or little my kid naps and eats. i don’t like playing the game of whose child is more advanced and which mom gets the most pity for getting the least sleep. i don’t always get when someone is making a joke or when the tone is serious.

now you may be wondering why i want to be an at-home mom, but i love the kid part. i love sitting at home on the floor with shilah and playing and reading and talking. i love seeing her learn new things and try new foods and figure out how to solve little problems like keeping the cracker in her own hand and not giving into the temptation of handing it to the charming dog, which results in: no more cracker, then trying the scenario all over again.

i also like getting together with friends one-on-one. i like talking to and learning about other people and all those one-on-one get-togethers with close friends are fun and engaging.

but the group stuff is overwhelming.

we’re sitting at lunch the other day and my very nice husband asked, “why do you think that stuff is so frustrating to you?”

i stared at my cheetos and then i began to talk, slowly. about how other moms just want to compete and how people start talking about dumb stuff like how they had a friend who had a natural childbirth and it was ridiculous, and how they are ridding their house of bleach because traces of it in their homes is going to kill their kids, and how they did everything right and now their kid sleeps through the night every night, and how everyone wants to have another baby.

it sounds like the problem is everyone else, not me. doesn’t it?

well i kept talking about what is wrong with other moms. and he says, “yeah, but why does that stuff bother you so much?”

and i don’t think before i talk but i start: i think it bothers me because in that instant, when i realize that i had a birth that people think is dumb, and my house does contain more than a few traces of bleach and my kid wakes up crying every other night, and shilah will likely hit the magic age of two and not have a sibling and…i feel like a terrible mom.

the problem is me.

whoops.

in those situations, i immediately lose confidence in the things i know. i forget that God created me with a purpose and that i can be confident because even on my very, very worst day, Christ would have died for me. for me to live eternity in heaven. i forget all of those things. instead, my stomach tightens and it gets a little harder to breathe and i hold on to my child tighter and i am looking for the nearest exit, because i must be a terrible mom. because of the traces of bleach and the fact that my daughter doesn’t like to drink milk.

and an aside here, are people really saying these things as drastically as i think? i am absolutely sure that they are not. i am internalizing them. i am so prideful that i think people spend time thinking about me and that i make the wrong choices. i am choosing to hear everything through the filter of my own insecurities, and consequently, words and emotions hit my emotions sounding harsh.

i am writing this because i trust that someone needs to hear it: you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God is in control of your family and your home and all the things you have and even what you do not have…remember that when someone else is forgetting and telling you otherwise. or when you are just hearing it all wrong.

how to know you are ready to have kids

We help lead in a class at our church fill of engaged and newly married couples. The last week of the class, participants get to ask whatever questions they want to a panel of four couples who have kids and have been married a while.

The most common question? Some variation of “how do you know when you are ready to have kids?”

The answer is that God will give you kids when He wants you to have them. But, the answer everyone wants is, “you will now you are ready when you have completed _______” but they want you to fill in the blank.

So, here are 10 tests you should pass so that you know you are ready to have kids…and you will see why “you will now you are ready when you have completed ____________” is not a good answer to be searching for.

First, here is a fitting picture of Shilah after she got the powdered sugar out of the cabinet, opened it, and dumped it on the floor/ate it.

10 Tests to Pass Before You Have Kids

1. Time and Money Test:

1. Pick up the newspaper.
2. Read it for the last time.
3. Go to the grocery store.
4. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
5. Go home.

2. Discipline Test:

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

• Methods of discipline.
• Lack of patience.
• Appallingly low tolerance levels.
• Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

3. Nighttime Test:

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for the day (start your day and be productive)
10. Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

4. Mess Test:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dress Test:

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

6. Vehicle Test:

1. Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
4. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

7. Shopping Test:

1. Go to the local grocery store.
2. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
3. If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
4. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

8. Feeding Test:

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half of what is left into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
7. You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

9. Entertainment Test:

1. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon.
2. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

10. Social Life Test

1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape while talking to an adult of your choice.
3. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow.
4. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is taken from some stuff on the interwebs…can’t find an original source

the answer to your question

when you get married everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having children?”

it is a predictable question, like comments about the weather in an awkward silence.

when you find yourself with a child, everyone asks, “when are you thinking of having another?”

or at least that is what everyone asks me.

so here is the answer:

(wait, at least three of you now think i am going to tell you i am pregnant. i am not. promise.)

ok here is the answer: i don’t know.

that was just the first part of the answer. here is the second: i am ok with the fact that i don’t know.

there is like this unspoken thing with moms. it is that if i have more kids, i am more capable, more valuable, my life has more worth. maybe i am just reading into it, but that seems why people ask when we are having more. it feels like someone is asking you when you are getting a promotion. “when are you going to the next level?” it immediately makes me feel like where i am is unacceptable. that i should strive for more. it is sad that someone’s questions could make me feel so worthless.

before we had Shilah people would say things like, “oh, well you will understand when you have kids.” like having a child gives you some special powers. it does not. oh, wait – i don’t barf when i get diarrheaed-on anymore. is that the special understanding you were talking about? i am sure that it is not. sure, we have a child and there are some things i have come to understand that i did not before, but everyone comes to understand new things with each new day in life. having a child does not make me better or more valuable than someone without a child.

the fact is, i am content. i am content to sit where i am and wait until God lets us know what’s next. it is funny that we even ask people when they’re having more kids like life is created outside of the hand of God.

if we believe what is written for our us and for own children, “for you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb….My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them,” (Ps 139:13, 15-16) then we must believe that we are where we are because we are supposed to be here. if God wrote each of the days that were formed for our children….well then we dont have more kids or other kids or any kids because we’re not to that date where they have been written. that’s it. so go do what you’re supposed to do today and not wish there was something else written for you (and don’t imply to someone else that they should be wishing for something different)!

and e, as you wait for the days written for your child to come, i will enjoy my time waiting with you. we have wonderful husbands and wonderful babies and wonderful each-others to wait with. i am excited to see the joy in each day with you until THE day

 

growing

look how long the bug’s eyelashes are:

when her eyes are open wide, they touch her eyebrows.

 

In the past 48 hours she has learned to pull up to standing.

When she falls, and she will surely fall, she does not want you to pick her up and hug her and console her. Oh no, she wants you to put her DOWN so that she can try again.